When you’re 24, healthy, beginning your future and suddenly diagnosed with an aggressive cancer the first thing people say is “Why would God let this happen to you?” Or “I’m so angry at God for you.” The truth is these thoughts never came from me. Friends and family, yes. And understandably so. But from me, no.
Does having cancer suck? Yes. But I’ve never been angry at God for allowing me to battle cancer. From the moment I found out, I just had this supernatural peace and strength that I’ve never had before. I’ve never been scared of dying. Needles, yes. But dying no. When I found out I had cancer the first thing I said is, “Well this is inconvenient.” I never threw myself a pity party and thought about giving up or that this cancer could kill me. That’s just not an option. When I found out that my cancer was more aggressive and had rare genes that make it harder to treat, meaning instead of 3, 6 hour chemo infusions, it would be 6 inpatient weeks in the hospital with 24 hour nonstop infusions, of course I was disappointed. But never angry at God.
I think a lot of people question where is God when you have cancer? Why would He let this happen to me if He loves me? If God exists then why is this bad thing happening to you? And truthfully I don’t know why He chose me. But I do know that He’s real and He’s with me. That’s why I’ve never been angry with Him. Because I can literally feel Him with me stronger than ever before. He has given me this incredible strength to endure all of these procedures. I can feel Him with me every time I’m scared of another needle going into my body. He makes me braver than I ever knew I was. I can feel Him comfort me when I lay on the floor and cry because I just want to be up and about but I have no energy. I feel Him in the late, sleepless hours of the night in the hospital when I feel alone. God has never left me. Yes He is allowing me to suffer, but He is drawing me closer to Him and is suffering with me. How can I be angry at my God who is giving me the opportunity to show others how strong I am? The chance to inspire others and the chance to fight my battle publicly in hopes to bring someone else strength.
One of my friends at the beginning of my cancer journey sent me the quote, “God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers.” At the time, I didn’t realize the strength that I would continue to be able to have throughout this. And I can only credit my strength to God. I’ve never considered myself a tough person. I’ve always been a cry baby, I hated finger pricks and would absolutely never let doctors draw blood. But somehow I’ve gotten through unimaginable amounts of pokes and needles and procedures that I never fathomed I would be able to get through. So has God given me one of the toughest battles ever? Yes. For sure. But I’m trying my best to be one of His strongest soldiers. There are a lot of things that I could choose to be angry about. But anger doesn’t make cancer disappear. And it won’t make me feel better. Instead I’ve chosen to fight my battle with as much strength and grace as possible. If I can touch or inspire just one person with my story, that’s enough for me.
So..where is God during cancer? He’s still here. In me and around me. Changing me from the inside out and experiencing every day of this battle with me. I can feel Him and I can hear His voice telling me that it will be okay. No anger or fear can ever be louder than that. ❤️